Archive for July, 2005

Memo from Management

Posted: Friday 8 July 2005 @ 11:04 pm by joecm

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

1. TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

2. TRY SAYING:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
You’re fucking kidding

3. TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You’ve got to be shitting me!

4. TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.

5 TRY SAYING:
Of course I’m concerned.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck me dead

6. TRY SAYING:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It’s not my fucking problem.

7. TRY SAYING:
That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuckin’ What?

8. TRY SAYING:
I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won’t work.

9. TRY SAYING:
I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
How many hours in a day on your fuckin’ planet?

10. TRY SAYING:
Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell cares?

11. TRY SAYING:
He’s not familiar with the procedure.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s got his head up his ass.

12. TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
You can get rooted.

13. TRY SAYING:
So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.

14. TRY SAYING:
I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
Am I the only poor bastard that works around here.

15. TRY SAYING:
I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
You’re an intellectual retard

16. TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
My superman cape is at the cleaners

17. TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?

18. TRY SAYING:
I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Bite me.

19. TRY SAYING:
Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF
Another fucking meeting?

20. TRY SAYING:
I don’t think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF:
I really don’t give a shit.

21. TRY SAYING:
He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s a prick.

22. TRY SAYING:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She’s a ball-busting bitch.

23. TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

Never argue with a child

Posted: Friday 8 July 2005 @ 10:57 pm by joecm

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said i t was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

————-

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” With out missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

————-

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest in the family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

————-

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes a t the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mothers hair had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

————-

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael. He’s a doctor.’”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “and there’s the teacher. She’s dead.”

————-

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

Excuses for calling in sick

Posted: Friday 8 July 2005 @ 1:54 am by joecm

Think carefully, if you’re debating calling in sick, here are some of the most unusual excuses workers gave for missing work.

• I was sprayed by a skunk.
• I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.
• My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.
• I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.
• I forgot to come back to work after lunch.
• I couldn’t find my shoes.
• I hurt myself bowling.
• I was spit on by a venomous snake.
• I totaled my wife’s jeep in a collision with a cow.
• A hitman was looking for me.
• My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.
• I eloped.
• My brain went to sleep and I couldn’t wake it up.
• My cat unplugged my alarm clock.
• I had to be there for my husband’s grand jury trial.
• I had to ship my grandmother’s bones to India (note: she passed away 20 years before).
• I forgot what day of the week it was.
• Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.
• A tree fell on my car.
• My monkey died.

Which Cartoon Character are you?

Posted: Friday 8 July 2005 @ 1:38 am by joecm

DON’T CHEAT!
Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked
yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble? A group of
investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well-known
and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was
made into this test. Answer all the questions with what describes you
best, add up all your points (which are next to the answer that you
choose) at the end and look for your results. Put your character in the
subject line and forward to your friends and back to the person that
sent this to you.

1) Which one of the following describes the perfect date?

(a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
(b) Fun/Theme park (2 pts.)
(c) Painting in the park (5 pts.)
(d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
(e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2) What is your favorite type of music?

(a) Rock ‘n Roll (2 pts.)
(b) Alternative (1 pt.)
(c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
(d) Country (5 pts.)
(e) Pop (3 pts.)

3) What type of movies do you prefer?

(a) Comedy (2 pts.)
(b) Horror (1 pt.)
(c) Musical (3 pts.)
(d) Romance (4pts.)
(e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4) Which one of these occupations would you choose if you
only could choose one of these?

(a) Waiter (4 pts.)
(b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
(c) Teacher (3pts.)
(d) Police (2 pts.)
(e) Cashier (1 pt.)

5) What do you do with your spare time?

(a) Exercise (5 pts.)
(b) Read (4 pts.)
(c) Watch television (2 pts.)
(d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
(e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6) Which one of the following colors do you like best?

(a) Yellow (1 pt.)
(b) White (5 pts.)
(c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
(d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
(e) Red (4 pts.)

7) What do you prefer to eat right now?

(a) Snow (3 pts.)
(b) Pizza (2 pts)
(c) Sushi (1 pt.)
(d) Pasta (4 pts.)
(e) Salad (5 pts.)

8 ) What is your favorite holiday?

(a) Halloween (1 pt.)
(b) Christmas (3 pts.)
(c) New Year (2 pts.)
(d) Valentine’s Day (4 pts)
(e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

9) If you could go to one of these places, which one would it be?

(a) Paris (4 pts.)
(b) Spain (5 pts.)
(c) Las Vegas (1 pt.)
(d) Hawaii (4 pts.)
(e) Hollywood (3 pts.)

10) With which of the following would you prefer to spend
time with?

(a) Someone smart (5 pts.)
(b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
(c) Someone who likes to party (1 pt.)
(d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
(e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!

Easy PDF Converter

Posted: Thursday 7 July 2005 @ 11:41 pm by joecm

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