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Fun Category

The Financial Abortion Card

Posted: Sunday 12 March 2006 @ 10:39 pm by joecm

A lot of news has been made of a new lawsuit that attempts to allow us men to opt out of a pregnancy.   The theory being that since women have the right to abort the baby, shouldn’t men be given the same right? Equal rights are guaranteed after all.  Realizing the insanity of trying to make a woman have an actual abortion against her will, the lawsuit seeks what is cleverly being called a financial abortion.  If the lawsuit succeeds, a man would have the opportunity to tell the woman that he did not wish to have the baby, and that he is severing all financial responsibility for the child.  Now, this lawsuit seems flawed in many ways, but as I see it, the biggest flaw is that there is no way that a man would have such a conversation.  We would rather chew our arm off than have a serious discussion.  Right ladies?

Does that mean it can’t work?  No.  I suggest a Financial Abortion Card (FAC).   What is that you ask?  In soccer (football to all your non-americans), when a penalty occurs the official does not walk over to the offending player and have a conversation about what went wrong.  He simply reaches into his pocket and pulls out a yellow card and holds it in the air.  Enough said!  The player knows what happens, the official knows what happens, everybody around knows what happens.  No long conversation about it, play just resumes.  The Financial Abortion Card works in a similar way.  A man can keep it in his wallet and at the appropriate moment, he can simply take it out, hold it in the air for all to see, and walk away.  Maybe even hand the card to the woman as a sort of receipt.   I even have a good slogan for it, get the FAC’s. Ah, a fine system indeed.

Faith the two legged dog!

Posted: Thursday 22 December 2005 @ 7:47 pm by joecm

Want to see something freaky? A two legged dog named Faith that walks like a person.

You can check it out here

The Detroit Lions

Posted: Saturday 10 December 2005 @ 11:07 am by joecm

This was sent to me. Almost all of these also apply to my beloved SF 49ers as well. Made me laugh.

Q: What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Detroit Lions.

Q: What do the Detroit Lions and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell “Jesus Christ.”

Q: How do you keep a Detroit Lion out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Detroit in case of a tornado?
A: To Ford Field - they never get a touchdown there.

Q: What do you call a Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.

Q: Why doesn’t Grand Rapids have a professional football team?
A: Because then Detroit would want one.

Q: What’s the difference between the Detroit Lions and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: How many Detroit Lions does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and we may never find out.

Q: What do the Detroit Lions and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Badger Badger Badger

Posted: Saturday 19 November 2005 @ 8:24 pm by joecm

Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger

Funny and annoying animation. Send it to your friends, amuse yourself, or tie someone you hate to a chair and let it run for a few hours. Probably an effective torture device as well. Who knew an animation could be so versatile.

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/badgers/

Things Stressed Women Say at Work

Posted: Tuesday 15 November 2005 @ 11:04 pm by joecm

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf**ck you.
2. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
3. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren’t we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don’t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
11. I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet
16. Back off!! You’re standing in my aura.
17. Don’t worry. I forgot your name too.
18. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder … my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
26. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

Memo from Management

Posted: Friday 8 July 2005 @ 11:04 pm by joecm

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

1. TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

2. TRY SAYING:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
You’re fucking kidding

3. TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You’ve got to be shitting me!

4. TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.

5 TRY SAYING:
Of course I’m concerned.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck me dead

6. TRY SAYING:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It’s not my fucking problem.

7. TRY SAYING:
That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuckin’ What?

8. TRY SAYING:
I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won’t work.

9. TRY SAYING:
I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
How many hours in a day on your fuckin’ planet?

10. TRY SAYING:
Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell cares?

11. TRY SAYING:
He’s not familiar with the procedure.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s got his head up his ass.

12. TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
You can get rooted.

13. TRY SAYING:
So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.

14. TRY SAYING:
I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
Am I the only poor bastard that works around here.

15. TRY SAYING:
I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
You’re an intellectual retard

16. TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
My superman cape is at the cleaners

17. TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?

18. TRY SAYING:
I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Bite me.

19. TRY SAYING:
Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF
Another fucking meeting?

20. TRY SAYING:
I don’t think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF:
I really don’t give a shit.

21. TRY SAYING:
He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s a prick.

22. TRY SAYING:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She’s a ball-busting bitch.

23. TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

Never argue with a child

Posted: Friday 8 July 2005 @ 10:57 pm by joecm

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said i t was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

————-

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” With out missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

————-

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest in the family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

————-

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes a t the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mothers hair had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

————-

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael. He’s a doctor.’”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “and there’s the teacher. She’s dead.”

————-

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

Excuses for calling in sick

Posted: Friday 8 July 2005 @ 1:54 am by joecm

Think carefully, if you’re debating calling in sick, here are some of the most unusual excuses workers gave for missing work.

• I was sprayed by a skunk.
• I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.
• My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.
• I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.
• I forgot to come back to work after lunch.
• I couldn’t find my shoes.
• I hurt myself bowling.
• I was spit on by a venomous snake.
• I totaled my wife’s jeep in a collision with a cow.
• A hitman was looking for me.
• My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.
• I eloped.
• My brain went to sleep and I couldn’t wake it up.
• My cat unplugged my alarm clock.
• I had to be there for my husband’s grand jury trial.
• I had to ship my grandmother’s bones to India (note: she passed away 20 years before).
• I forgot what day of the week it was.
• Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.
• A tree fell on my car.
• My monkey died.

Which Cartoon Character are you?

Posted: Friday 8 July 2005 @ 1:38 am by joecm

DON’T CHEAT!
Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked
yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble? A group of
investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well-known
and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was
made into this test. Answer all the questions with what describes you
best, add up all your points (which are next to the answer that you
choose) at the end and look for your results. Put your character in the
subject line and forward to your friends and back to the person that
sent this to you.

1) Which one of the following describes the perfect date?

(a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
(b) Fun/Theme park (2 pts.)
(c) Painting in the park (5 pts.)
(d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
(e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2) What is your favorite type of music?

(a) Rock ‘n Roll (2 pts.)
(b) Alternative (1 pt.)
(c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
(d) Country (5 pts.)
(e) Pop (3 pts.)

3) What type of movies do you prefer?

(a) Comedy (2 pts.)
(b) Horror (1 pt.)
(c) Musical (3 pts.)
(d) Romance (4pts.)
(e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4) Which one of these occupations would you choose if you
only could choose one of these?

(a) Waiter (4 pts.)
(b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
(c) Teacher (3pts.)
(d) Police (2 pts.)
(e) Cashier (1 pt.)

5) What do you do with your spare time?

(a) Exercise (5 pts.)
(b) Read (4 pts.)
(c) Watch television (2 pts.)
(d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
(e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6) Which one of the following colors do you like best?

(a) Yellow (1 pt.)
(b) White (5 pts.)
(c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
(d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
(e) Red (4 pts.)

7) What do you prefer to eat right now?

(a) Snow (3 pts.)
(b) Pizza (2 pts)
(c) Sushi (1 pt.)
(d) Pasta (4 pts.)
(e) Salad (5 pts.)

8 ) What is your favorite holiday?

(a) Halloween (1 pt.)
(b) Christmas (3 pts.)
(c) New Year (2 pts.)
(d) Valentine’s Day (4 pts)
(e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

9) If you could go to one of these places, which one would it be?

(a) Paris (4 pts.)
(b) Spain (5 pts.)
(c) Las Vegas (1 pt.)
(d) Hawaii (4 pts.)
(e) Hollywood (3 pts.)

10) With which of the following would you prefer to spend
time with?

(a) Someone smart (5 pts.)
(b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
(c) Someone who likes to party (1 pt.)
(d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
(e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!